fleetwood macbook

JOLLY COMEDY JOKES by John Swartzwelder

BRIDE: (QUIETLY, TEARFUL): Ladies and gentlemen…I’m afraid there won’t be a wedding after all. Because, you see…my ﬁance has….has died.

HECKLER FROM BACK PEW: Louder!

BRIDE: (LOUDER, ALMOST HYSTERICAL) My ﬁance has died!

ANOTHER HECKLER: Funnier! ***********

1ST ALIEN: (SMOKING): We do not fear death as you do, Earthmen. That is why we must triumph. We do not fear having our bodies torn to pieces, our brains destroyed, or….

2ND ALIEN: (LOW, URGENT) Hey, shut up! ***********

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oh god I think my mum and her boyfriend are planning on a bali wedding

I am happy that lonely middle aged people can find love via online dating but I absolutely refuse to set foot in kuta again

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thoughts 2 get through this shift: probably all torrents will have finished downloading by the time I get home

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pope-franny:

My friend Kat and I have amassed just over 13,000 facebook messages between us.

They say every man has a great novel in them. This is ours.

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rainy maylands mornings are so pretty ah

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wyldeboye replied to your post: sexual fantasy we meet in the dog park. you have…

The children are being held hostage. You don’t notice until you feel the thrilling cold of the steel barrel against your neck. You eventually shoot your lover to prove your loyalty. You are Patty Hearst. I am Stockholm syndrome.

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definitely going to do some admin law now

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sexual fantasy

we meet in the dog park. you have an alsatian, I a dalmatian. we ditch the canines and make out in a playground while children look on

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sexual fantasy

we both order mcdonalds happy meals at the same time, turn to look at each other,

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sexual fantasy

we are both members of the cambridge footlights. you like comedy and I tragedy. we go skinny dipping in a fountain in the moonlight

Anonymous asks: herd u were talkin shit bout me. mary n i r jus havin a lil brek no big deal so wach wat u say. keep takin lik dat n ill kik ur ass soon as i finihs dis pome. do u wanna mess wit sum1 dat dosnt belive in judao-cristian morralty no didnt think so. ur frend pbs.